In the memory of two angels

Why does every tear begin with you and why does every sorrow end with you? Why does your face emerge in my head when somebody mentions death and why do I look at the sky searching for you when somebody talks about the will to live? Why did you have to be so important to me that the moment you left became the point of transformation in my life? Why do I still cry rivers even after five years whenever I think of you? It’s like my world revolves around you. We were so close, yet God chose you before anyone else. I learned the meaning of happiness with you, and it was your absence that taught me what sadness really is. I don’t want your face to bring back the awful stages of your loss. I want your smile to remind me of life’s beauty and our priceless memories together, and I want the echoes of your voice to make me smile instead of crying. I pray for you, and we both know that I will never forget you because you gave a meaning to my life, you still do.  Every time something good happens, I know it’s from you, from your prayers. That’s why I smile and thank you silently in my heart or look up at the night sky and gaze at the shiniest star knowing it’s you. I hope you’re proud of me now just like you were before. I love you grandma. I wish words could describe that faithfully, but they don’t.

Semaan, I might have gotten over many people’s death, but still not yours. It was fast for all of us, and I know now that we have an angel in heaven praying for us. I still can’t bring up your name without crying, you know. I still haven’t faced that fact, I always seem to run away from it. How? Why? When? I still ask myself all these questions, but I can’t seem to get your face out of my head. You are the first friend I ever lost, and I still can’t handle the loss. Pray for us from where you are because hopefully we’ll meet again, one day. You are always on my mind, my dear friend. You were supposed to graduate from school this year, but your innocence immediately gave you the best graduation anyone can have, and that is the graduation from life, to eternal life. I’m sure you would’ve been a great doctor on earth, now that you have an unlimited power to heal people, use it as generously as you used to share your beautiful, unforgettable smile.

It’s funny how all the people who were filled with life, suddenly turn into a vague, blurry image of uncertainty. I don’t want your images to generate pain in me, I want them to be the faces of hope and life. I don’t want to cry anymore when I think of you, I want to smile because I know you are happy up there.

Written with all the love I have for both.

With all my prayers,

Helena Saadeh

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